Tohru is a gangsta chav
by Hug-in-a-box
Summary: Tohru wants to be in the trend and becomes a GANGSTA CHAV. Yuki's opinion. PURE CRACK. No point to it AT ALL, so don't read if you want a fic with a pointed pencilly point. WARNING: very very bad language and A LOT of references to sex
1. Blame Canada

GET OFF YO ASS MUTHAFUCKA

I cannot believe Miss Honda actually said that. To Kisa.

Too bad Kisa was giving Hiro a little fellatio. She probably couldn't hear Miss Honda. Hiro was making too many noises. He sounded like a donkey on speed.

... Stupid sheep.

Oh yes, I should probably explain about Miss Honda's 'funny turn'. Her hormones have finally gotten into gear and she's finally starting to care what people think of her. She's decided she isn't with the trend and she needs to try hard to be like everyone else.

Miss Honda is now a GANGSTA CHAV. She's been saying 'shizzle ma wizzle' all morning.

Shigure hit her with a frying pan. I had a feeling he did it accidentally-on-purpose.

'Look, Yuki-kun! Ma bling is teh smeck!'

Why did she say that? It's a whole new language to me.

I have decided I'm going to move somewhere people don't speak like someone shoved a chicken wing down their throat and left them to choke for a couple of hours (... and I can finally accomplish all my morbid fantasies without being discriminated. I'll just sneak Kyo into the boot of my Mini and...)

Canada sounds good. I just saw the broshoor. Is that French? Stupid languages...

Canada it is.


	2. On the first day of Christmas

There go all my dreams.

Canada is no longer possible.

Ritsu destroyed my passport.

"I'M SO SORRY! I APOLOGISE TO THE WHOLE WORLD! I'M SORRY I'M SO USELESS! I'M SORRY I GAVE KYO CATNIP AND MADE HIM ASK KURENO TO MARRY HIM! I'M SO SORREEEEEE!"

Shut up, you stupid monkey!

…

Why didn't Kyo ask _me _to marry him?

"You want Kyo-kun to marry you?" Miss Honda was wearing gold. Magpies had been chasing her all the way to the grocery store and back. She has bald spots.

… It's surprising how well bald spots suit Miss Honda.

-

I caught Shigure in the shower this morning. I would've jumped right in there with him if he didn't have three nipples. And two belly buttons. And a partridge in a pear tree.

Okay, I made that last one up.

_I _want a partridge in a pear tree. I'll write it on my list for Santa.

"Er… Santa doesn't exist," Miss Honda said.

YOU LIE!


	3. No crosswords for Yuki

I did a quiz today. It came with Shigure's newspaper. He wouldn't let me do the crossword (waah) so I did the quiz.

Spell your name out in band names or singers.

Y – Yoko Ono. U – U2. K – Kaiser Chiefs. I – Idle Fingers.

2) Have you ever had a song written about you?

I have no life. You think Akito lets me listen to the radio?

HEIGHT: 5" 0 - 9 (same difference)

HAIR COLOR: Gray

SKIN COLOR: white (I'd blend in a black 'n' white picture easy)

EYE COLOR: Purple (Bruise)

PIERCINGS: none

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING: nothing. I was jerking off.

WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO? None. I told you already, I can't listen to the radio.

WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH: cum. I had to bribe Shigure to get me those discount marshmallows.

WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE: I don't know. I'll ask it.

HOW ARE YOU: Just peachy, thanks!

GET MOTION SICKNESS: …

BAD HABITS: Too perfect (it makes people feel bad about themselves)

GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: …

CHILDREN: Unless it's possible to become spontaneously pregnant, then no

BEEN HURT: be more specific. My brain doesn't have that sort of bandwidth. Akito told me not to.

YOUR GREATEST REGRET(S): taking this survey

GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: That cripple I met outside Tescos; A girl I made out with at the back of the cinema when Shigure forced me to watch 'Gone with the Wind'; Shigure; The pensioner I bagged £6000 from… Yes I'm a slut.

YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: I'll ask Kyo to buy me one. He'll say no, but I'll ask anyway.

THINGS IN YOUR ROOM: Paddles, handcuffs, dildos, vibrators, floggers etc etc

Do You Smoke: …

Read the newspaper: No, but I read the cartoons page

Do Drugs: WHO TOLD YOU?

HAVE YOU EVER: eh? blinks

Been in love: With easy-to-assemble flat-pack furniture, Kyo's arse, Miss Honda's flat chest etc etc

Had medical emergency? …

Had surgery: Brain surgery

Swam in the dark: Ooh, the memories…

Slept outdoors: Slept in Shigure's dog house once when I got stoned… does that count?

Pulled an all nighter: Watching porn, yes

Been on radio/tv: Homemade porn, yes

Been to a party: I snuck into a lingerie party and hid under the snack table once

Gotten lost in the woods: Too many times

Do you have any gay/lesbian/bi friends: Well, I hope Kyo is

ABOUT YOU

Wallet: Akito confiscated my pocket money

Coffee: WHERE?

Cologne/Perfume: B.O, thanks

IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU...

Cried: watching Titanic

Bought something: Well, Shigure bought those marshmallows for _me._

Gotten sick: Of Miss Honda's 'shizzle ma wizzle' comments, yep

Sang: 'Kyo is my Life'

Been kissed: In my dreams. By Kyo. And Shigure. And Hatsuharu. And Hatori.

Talked to someone you have a crush on: Well, Kyo yelled at me but I didn't really say anything back…

Had a serious talk: Who do you think I am? Of course not.

Missed someone: The sight of Hatori in the shower.

LAST:

Thing you drank: Shigure's cum

Place you went: the toilet

Person you talked to in person: Miss Honda 'fo shizzle'

Person you IMed: the Queen. Seriously? You think Akito would let me?

LAST QUESTIONS

1.Your full name? Yuki Sohma

2. What songs do you sing in the shower? YMCA

3. Nicknames you name your parents? Twat (dad) Slut (mum)

4. Things you shout to stupid drivers? My legs! My legs!

11. How do you like your chocolate? chocolate-y


	4. Interlude, maybe?

I'M SORRY if anyone has been reading this fic, and wants more, because I HAVE BEEN A VERY VERY BAD LITTLE GIRL. I haven't updated very much. sob

I might give up on this. Because it has no point. No pointy pencilly point.

I apologise. bows

Maybe one more chapter as a goodbye? I think I'll try something more serious next time.

- Love and hugs from the Fantabulous Box of Hugables. AKA Hug-in-a-box


	5. To Do lists

Well, now I'm bored.

Crap.

If anyone has any suggestions, please speak up now.

silence

FINE, BE THAT WAY.

Okay, so now I'll just check off this list of Things To Do When My A.D.D Plays Up

Flirt with Kyo: CHECK

Tell Miss Honda she needs to grow some boobs or get out of the house forever: CHECK

Make a sculpture of a panda out of the greenish sludge I found in the gutter: CHECK

Flirt with Hatori: CHECK

Get arrested: CHECK CHECK CHECK CHECK CHECK (I didn't bloody know bestiality was against the law!)

Flirt with Shigure: CHECK (despite the third nipple)

Drink too much and pass out outside Akito's room so he yells at me: CHECK (I have scars to prove it)

Get stoned: CHECK (good times, good times…)

Sing in people's ears when they least expect it: CHECK (cough Kisa cough)

Flirt with Ayame: CHECK (Incest is funny)

Take the piss out of Akito when he can clearly hear me: CHECK (I have scars for proof of that too.)

So I have nothing to do…

I'm going to McDonalds for some chicken nuggets.


End file.
